There’s a strange feeling most of us know well, though we rarely talk about it openly. It creeps in after we make a mistake. It burns in our cheeks when we feel judged. It sticks like a heavy coat when we feel like we don’t belong. We call it shame. But what if we’ve misunderstood what shame really is? What if, deep down, shame isn’t about morals or guilt or embarrassment—but power?
Yes, power. Or more accurately, the lack of it.
When you feel shame, your body slouches. You avoid eye contact. You want to disappear. These aren’t random behaviors—they’re physical manifestations of submission. According to psychologist and researcher Brené Brown, shame is the intensely painful feeling of being flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. But dig a little deeper and you’ll find a pattern: shame often shows up when you feel small, voiceless, or controlled by others. It’s not just that you’ve done something wrong. It’s that you feel powerless in the face of how others see or treat you.
This makes sense if we look at how shame operates in social hierarchies. In a group setting—whether it’s a family, a workplace, or a community—the people at the top tend to express anger or pride when something goes wrong. But those lower down? They feel shame. Not necessarily because they’re guilty, but because they know they don’t have the social capital to defend themselves. Shame, in this sense, is a social signal of low rank. It says, “I recognize I’m out of favor here, and I accept the consequences.” It’s a built-in survival strategy.
Even in children, we can see this dynamic. A child scolded by a teacher doesn’t just feel sad—they feel ashamed. Why? Because they don’t have the authority to push back. So instead, they withdraw, trying not to attract more attention. Over time, if that pattern continues, the child might grow into an adult who internalizes shame every time someone in power disapproves of them.
But here’s where things get truly eye-opening. Shame isn’t a fixed emotion. It’s not something you’re doomed to carry forever. If shame is rooted in powerlessness, then its antidote is not pride or arrogance—it’s empowerment. It’s learning to stand up for yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s recognizing that you don’t need everyone’s approval to be worthy. It’s building an inner foundation so strong that external judgment can’t shake it.
This shift is supported by neuroscience too. Studies show that when people feel in control of their lives—when they have agency—they experience less shame and more resilience. In contrast, those who feel trapped or helpless are more likely to feel shame, even in situations where it doesn’t logically apply. It’s not the event itself, but how much power you believe you have in responding to it.
You’ve probably seen this in your own life. Maybe after a breakup, you felt ashamed, even if you weren’t at fault—because someone else made the decision. Or maybe you stayed quiet during a meeting, then felt ashamed later—not because your ideas were bad, but because you didn’t feel confident enough to speak. In both cases, the shame didn’t come from wrongdoing. It came from disempowerment.
And this is why reclaiming your power changes everything. When you know your worth, shame loses its grip. You might still feel discomfort or embarrassment at times, but it won’t spiral into toxic shame. Instead, it becomes a momentary signal—a reminder to check in with your boundaries, your voice, and your strength.
So the next time shame whispers in your ear, pause for a second. Ask yourself: Do I really feel ashamed because I did something wrong—or because I feel powerless right now? The answer might surprise you. And if it does, that’s the beginning of freedom.
Because shame doesn’t have to define you.
Not when you remember where your power lives.
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